I feel so empty. There was some much there; I was filled to the brim. Now? I am empty.
The above thought was saved in a draft from earlier this semester. My current response to the previous statement? Finally–it only took 20 years to get there.
It is true that life is full of pain. People come in and out–sometimes for good, other times not. It is true that pain cuts deep and that scars can remain for years. It is true that pain causes you to shut down and refuse to need anyone. Pain is real and its effects last. I know.
However, when hurt seems to be the theme of life, it eats away at all joy; the selfish dwelling on wounds naturally leads to emptiness. I have learned one thing this semester: the converse of emptiness, is joy. I was empty, but now, I am joyful.
What does it mean to be joyful? Many presume joy to be a sort of cheesy happiness that accompanies those “Bible thumping Christians”. We’ve all met them, the kind of over the top, “are you really happy, or are you just pretending?” category of individuals.
The joy I have come to know is not this sort. Rather, it is a subtle satisfaction in God’s plan for my life, regardless of whether I understand that plan. It is an acknowledgement that I have been hurt, and I have hurt. I have scars, and I have scarred. I have pain, and I have pained.
Through a series of difficult situations, I became empty and apathetic; no feeling remained within me, not even pain. I felt nothing. Good–I should be empty. I finally arrived at the place in which true joy could enter. For the first time ever, I was so hurt and entirely empty, that my heart was rid of all hurt and ready for joy.
I am joyful because I am a daughter of Christ. My worth, my future, and my present situation are entirely independent of anyone and anything–they belong solely to God. Despite the situations I have experienced, my relationship with God remains unmarred. Thank goodness.
Although I wish it did not have to take broken friends, family, and future to come to this point, all was necessary to empty me so that I could truly be filled up. I have joy, and joy is a beautiful thing.
