Dating; it seems to be the subject of so many books, discussions, and troubles. There are multiple paradigms that attempt to frame the topic in different perspectives. However, I have found that the distinctions between them are not so great. There is one common theme that unites all relationships regardless of the stage or intentions–emotion.
I always held that the sole intention of dating should be marriage. I only ever wanted to like one guy, date one guy, love one guy, and eventually marry one guy. However, thoughts do not always align with desires; hopes do not always align with the heart. Is this belief realistic?
When it comes to love and marriage, it is absolutely realistic. In fact, a lot of times when it comes to dating it is realistic. Yet, buried in the “like” is a problem. Can emotions be controlled by will power? Can thoughts be harnessed by desires? If you establish in your mind that the situation is one way, will your heart reestablish and fight you back? I venture to say it will. How do you guard your heart?
Some girls “guard their hearts.” College freshman Alexandria Nogy didn’t date in high school because she didn’t see the logic of it. Dating for recreation: No. Investing time with marriage as the end goal: Yes, “otherwise it doesn’t lead to anything productive.” Maintaining “emotional purity” isn’t easy, and sometimes girls get into heart relationships despite their best efforts to monitor their thoughts.
PHC student Hannah Farver invested: Now she is “coming off a failed relationship” and a realization that some of what she formerly preached about courtship doesn’t work. Since she didn’t believe in “casual dating,” she had to be either emotionally separate from the guy, or engaged to him: “If you are dedicated to emotional purity, you are afraid. You either risk nothing or you risk everything.” We talked about which Jane Austen book captures what she’s trying to say: She suggested half Sense and Sensibility (because of Eleanor’s emotional reserve), and half Persuasion (the waiting and waiting), but “without any chance of a happy Austenish ending.” (WORLD Magazine)
You either risk everything, or you risk nothing. Your heart must be guarded to a certain point–the point at which you know if something were to happen and you let it go, it would be safe. But, beyond that…it is dangerous waters. It is impossible to increasingly grow close to someone without getting emotionally involved. This calls for great caution and awareness.
My view on relationships has change. Six months ago I thought that it was simple: friends or not friends, like or not like. But, that exposes great naivety. There is not a defining moment in a relationship where a magic switch is turned and two people like each other. There does not have to be a title to make the emotions involved existent. Emotions will exist as people draw closer together and it doesn’t matter what it’s called or not called–it’s a form of dating. The line is incredibly blurry.
I have seen so much hurt originate from relationships that never involved “dating”. Just because you do not title something, does not mean it does not exist. Guarding your heart involves more than just will of the mind and abstention from an outward relationship. It means protecting emotions and not getting emotionally involved with someone without a committed relationship in view. Are you ready to acknowledge the situation and risk it all? Because if not, you will be in an emotional relationship with no commitment or communication. Nothing could be worse.
Just a thought.
Yes, I was creepin’ your facebook and I can’t resist reading people’s blogs when they have them.
(I didn’t read more than the last couple posts)
I found this really interesting… so many different perspectives on dating, it seems it’s so hard to know who’s right. Some friends I have swear by courting – as if it can separate most of your feelings until you decide to make a real commitment (e.g. engagement). (which done right, I think it kinda does) Other friends think casual dating works much better in that you don’t get tied down to one person until you’re sure they are the best choice.
My perspective is always evolving and I still don’t know entirely what I think. I mean, I didn’t date anymore until I was 18 and I dated him for almost two years. So when that ended – there was so much heartbreak and pain. I mean, I thought I was going to marry him.
I came to the conclusion that it’s better to be friends with the opposite sex – and it’s very difficult to be close friends without strong emotions inevitably being tied up in them. Personally, I don’t plan to have close friendships with boys unless I am planning to date them exclusively – and even then, I don’t want to give even a small piece of my heart to anyone else unless they’re handing me a freakin’ rock and asking me to marry them.
I suppose it sounds closed-off, and it kind of is. I think part of my reasoning stems from all the couples I’ve seen that get so serious so fast and end up destroying themselves in the end if they break up because they lose such a huge part of themselves.
In any case, I really like your writing style – it’s so easy to read and professional sounding.
I can’t wait to see you again in the fall!
Caitlin
Caitlin, I totally agree with you. It’s so hard to know what’s right and I feel like no one has the same opinions on the subject–even people in relationships don’t know what they think, which is frustrating. I know there is no law on how it should be, but I sure wish there was some sort of more specific guide :p.
Personally, I have decided to not have a close relationship with a guy unless I am planning on potentially dating them. Otherwise, I think it would just be recipe for heartbreak. Haha–seriously, they don’t deserve any part of anyone’s heart unless they’re committed!
Thanks girl–I don’t really write, but it’s relaxing to do sometimes
. I miss you so much and this fall is going to be amazing!
Love you girl <3